Detective Phillip D'Void

Detective D'Void  is a graduate of Western Washington University with a degree in Philosophy with a minor in Art History.  This prepared him for his next career move, being a bouncer for a First Avenue strip club.  It was there that he developed his unusual technique to eject unruly patrons.  Rather than use threats of physical violence, he would harangue rowdy drunks with obscure and depressing philosophical diatribes which would render his victims confused and despondent enough to where they begged him to stop.  An off duty police officer suggested to Phillip that this would be an extremely useful interrogation technique.  He says the reason he joined the police force was in order to more clearly embody Genet's ideal of the anti-hero.  This is, of course, total BS. The real reason? They pay him money and let him carry his own gun and handcuffs.

 

Detective Arnie Blank

A seasoned Detective who can remember when he and Kojack both had hair, Detective Blank has repeatedly taken classes in anger management.  In order to avoid becoming cynical and jaded, he reads Cosmopolitan, Vogue and Glamour magazines, watches Oprah and listens to public radio. Detective Blank detests the use of statements like 'Make My Day', 'Hey Colombo' or "Occasionally even a blind pig finds a truffle.'  Detective Blank dreams of retiring to a secluded tropical island, but finances have limited his options to McNeil Island.

 

 

Detective Frank Lawless

Frank was born in Wellpinit Washington, a small town where he spent many hot summer afternoons watching rattlesnakes stare at the only traffic light in town as it flashed yellow. Knowing there was more to life than just flashing, he got a college scholarship in gill netting and attended Eastern Washington University where he majored in criminal behavior and life art. After failing as a artist, he moved to Washington DC and join the FBI's CBIU unit working with RCO and PSKs. Having no idea what any of that meant he moved back to the Northwest and joined King County 5-0 as a investigator. He has no idea what 5-0  stands for.  

 

 

Detective Lou Natick

The only son of Clue and Sue Natick, Lou continued the long line of Natick underachievers. Born in the back of the family pickup at the greater Enid, Oklahoma carwash/bridal salon, he weighed in at a svelte 17 pounds 5 ounces.  After he had exhausted his 7 years of High School football eligibility, Lou received a full-ride scholarship to the Jack LaLane school of physical fitness where he spent 5 years as the “before” picture in recruiting brochures.  After graduation and a brief stint as a nutritionist for stars Tyne Daley, John Candy and Elvis, Lou decided to explore the romantic world of law enforcement.  He finally settled in with Factoria Metro Homicide.  When not at work, Lou spends his off hours with Dental Assistant wife Rue and sons Blue and Stew on their boat, Cavity Search.   

 

Detective Detective Watson

Watson was 8 years old when he tasted his first donut. From that moment on, he knew he would one day be a cop. During High School he worked at Dunkin Donuts, saving money for the police academy. At the academy, Duncan perfected the interrogation technique known as "Donut Deprivation Persuasion."

He has distinguished himself as a detective on the force by solving such crimes as "The Case of the Missing Donut Hole," the "Krispy Kreme Kidnapping Kaper," and the "31 Flavors to Fitness Diet Fraud case." At a trim 250 lbs, Watson runs the 100 yard dash in a breathtaking 20 minutes, stopping only twice for coffee and donuts on the way. Wherever a crime is committed, rest assured that Detective Detective Watson will show up (in about 20 minutes) 

and save the donut, err... Save the Day!